It’s never too late to start having the best sex of your life. As we women get older, we may begin to look our age, but we certainly don’t have to act like it – and especially not in bed. This is our time, and it’s the best time to own our sexuality.
Ten years ago, when I began dating a man 21 years my junior, I was terrified in anticipation of how our relationship between the sheets would unfold. I began to second guess my aging body. My breasts are original equipment and with age had lost their firmness and fullness. My poor eyesight meant I was blind to the long black hairs growing alongside my nipples. And my butt… well that piece of real estate looked more and more like the flat spatula I flipped my son’s pancakes with every morning. Truth be told, I had never been a big fan of sex and my body’s responsiveness – or lack thereof – led me to believe I was never built for eye-squinting, soul-shattering sex.
Here’s a big lesson as you build your most authentic life: Never say NEVER! Great sex has nothing to do with your age. It has everything to do with your degree of self-love and the relationship and connection with your partner.
Graying hair, aging bodies, and menopause do not need to negatively impact your enjoyment of sex. As our hormones bottom out, painful sex can be a reality, but it doesn’t have to remain that way. Unlike the yogurt in my refrigerator, sexuality doesn’t come with an expiration date. In fact, sex after 50 is the hottest sex I’ve ever had.
I want this for you too. So here are my five insights that you can use to enhance your sex life in your 50s, 60s, and beyond!
Communication is Key
You’ve earned your right to speak up, and make your preferences heard. And you might be surprised to find that your partner is more than willing to accommodate you and your desires quite happily! Great sex has nothing to do with your age. It has everything to do with your degree of self-love and the relationships and connection with your partner. So start talking openly. You’ll never get what you don’t ask for, so now isn’t the time to be shy or demure. If these conversations are challenging, let your partner know. This level of vulnerability between two people creates an unshakable foundation. So speak up. Open those lines of communication. Then enjoy the results!
Communication is also important if you’re feeling less-than-beautiful. Vulnerably share with your partner how you’re feeling about how you look and feel. As women, we tend to keep these feelings bottled up, but do you know what? Your partner doesn’t expect you to look like a 30-year old bombshell. It’s far more likely that they love the exact body you have, because of the familiarity of every curve and line. Talking about it can help assuage your insecurities and allow you to feel more free and confident when you’re au naturel.
Lubrication is Mandatory
After menopause, lower estrogen means less blood flow to your vagina, and that’s what is responsible for the Sahara dryness down below. There are many products available to fix this challenge, and if you don’t want to use a product with chemicals, coconut oil is a wonderful substitute. (Ask me how I know…)
Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, but will melt as soon as it comes into contact with your body. It’s very lightweight and easy to clean up, but it will stain (it is, after all, an oil), so keep that in mind! You won’t need to use much…a tiny bit will go a long way. And it smells deliciously tropical, too! Work the application right into your foreplay, and soreness and pain will be a thing of the past.
Head over to Jan’s World right now and order my favorite organic coconut oil.
Now is the Time to Experiment
Remember when I said you need to speak up and ask for what you want? Now is the perfect time to experience the things you’ve always wanted to do, but have never actually done.
Are you interested in moving your sexual practices out of the bedroom and into the dining room? (Seriously, other than Thanksgiving and Christmas how often do you use that table anyway?) Curious about bondage? Grab a soft scarf and have your partner tie your wrists together comfortably. Sex in the pool isn’t for teenagers either. The key here is to start slowly and work your way up in variety and intensity as you stretch your comfort level, and build up trust.
There are as many ways to experiment as there are sexual positions (and you should try new ones often), so get creative! Buy toys and use the ones that work for you. Mutually masturbate if you don’t feel up to full-on intercourse. If sex isn’t interesting at the moment, have your partner start with a slow, deep back massage and see where that takes you.
The point is, relax and have FUN! If you are empty nesters, the sky’s the limit. Time is on your side and you don’t have to worry about interruptions. Regardless of your home situation (remember I’m the mother of two sets of twins under five and we’re still finding the time and the privacy for soul-shattering canoodling) you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and that is a freedom you’ve earned, ladies!
Does your libido need a jump-start? I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep on saying it: daily movement – some kind of exercise – is of vital importance, not just to your overall health, but to your sexual health as well. Exercise and good nutrition can support you both physically and emotionally to feel vigorous and sexually attractive. Exercise helps increase flexibility, balance, circulation, and helps our brains produce the lovely dopamine chemicals that make us feel happy and content.
And you needn’t turn into a gym rat to take advantage of the sexual benefits of exercise. Try a yoga or tai chi class, swim some laps and hit the hot tub, or briskly walk around your neighborhood for 30 minutes. The truth is, any exercise is better than none, so get up, get moving and get going!
Learn About Your Sexual Self
To be perfectly honest, this one was the biggest challenge for me. My strong midwestern Catholic upbringing meant that I tended to view sex as a taboo subject, always negative and always slightly sleazy. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure are two of the most important experiences that we, as human beings, can share. Sex is often made to be a taboo subject simply because a sexually open and satisfied person is, very often, resistant to dogma and the controlling aspects of societal norms. They are simply happier, healthier and much less predisposed to the negativity inherent in anger, judgment and guilt.
So if you’re not sure what feels good or what you like, get naked and figure it out on your own. And please, be patient. Our aging bodies don’t respond like they did in our 20s. As both men and women age, we tend to take longer to get aroused and orgasm. From my perspective this is never a bad thing. I love it when my husband and I take the time and attention to celebrate one another. Our sex life is definitely all about the journey and even when the destination is in sight, we may still chose to take another side trip rather than rush to the finish line.
Get more joy, meaning and authenticity straight to your inbox.
Dig into fantasy, and let your brain make up scenarios that turn you on. Anything goes as this is all safe and secure in your own mind, so let yourself go to all those places you may not feel safe sharing with anyone.
Sex is meant to be enjoyed, and you have nothing to lose, and so much to gain by pulling out all the stops at this particular time in your life. Learn about your body, your partner’s body, what you each like and don’t, what your boundaries are, and how far they can be stretched, and then use that knowledge to create hot sex that you’ll enjoy having for the rest of your years.
I hope these suggestions motivate you to fully engage in upping your passion and pleasure quotient. Now I’d love to hear from you: What one tip can you add to my list? Or where are you feeling challenged?